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Boundary collapse
Dear work friend,
I work in a role that was created specifically to support a department head who is not my direct manager. In recent months, our once close professional relationship has changed in an uncomfortable way. He became upset that I was spending time socially with other coworkers outside of the office but not with him, and he told me he felt hurt and “rejected” that I maintained boundaries between my work and personal life. I repeatedly explained to him that those boundaries are important and that I don’t want the relationship to become more intimate. Instead of accepting this, he began to reveal problems in his family life.
When I was considering working with another leader in the company, he told me that if I did that, “I wouldn’t be able to protect myself.” I told him that I found his language and behavior creepy, romanticized, disrespectful, and inappropriate. During an intense late-night conversation afterwards, he said he hated “walking on eggshells” around me and even said he wanted to quit smoking.
I don’t want to overreact or destroy my career. I also don’t want either of us to quit. In an ideal world, I would like to repair the working relationship. But I also feel constantly nervous, emotionally overwhelmed, and unworthy.
I’m struggling with several questions: Am I right to view this as sexual harassment or at least a serious boundary violation? How do you maintain professionalism with someone after you’ve made the relationship emotionally coercive? If it were possible, what would a healthy repair look like in a situation like this?
You should talk to a lawyer. What you are experiencing is sexual harassment by any practical measure: the department head has created a hostile work environment and implied a threat of quid pro quo. But I’m not qualified to say whether a lawsuit could be won on that basis. Many employment lawyers offer free initial consultations and can conduct an evaluation once they have all the relevant facts.
what i am All I can tell you is that this guy is a manipulative creep. While “creeping manipulator” is not a legal category, and a columnist’s pronouncement carries no judicial sanction, I hope my verdict can at least help you overcome your fear of overreacting. Your colleague has engaged in a months-long campaign of emotional coercion and unwanted intimacy that has left you anxious and exhausted, and you are trying to imagine a “healthy repair”! If anything, I’m worried that you’re not reacting enough.
The only way to maintain professionalism in the face of this controlling, sad routine, which would make even the most toxic emo teenager blush, is to militantly patrol the boundaries. Ignore or refuse to accept questions or conversations that are not directly relevant to your work and limit your communications to work hours, no matter how much emotional blackmail threatens you. AND pleaseI beg you, do not have any more “intense, late-night” conversations with this man.
