Dear Haya,
I am a mother of three children, all under 10 years old: two of them go to school and one is a toddler. My problem is that I can’t spend quality time with my children as a busy housewife and I can barely check how they are doing in school. Both of my daughters are going to receive tuition, but I still feel very guilty about my lack of participation in their academic life.
It is mainly due to the pressure of managing household chores and living in a joint family. We are a big family and responsibilities are also determined accordingly. I don’t mind managing my responsibilities and I do my best to pay as much attention as possible to my young children.
This guilt of not being able to invest time in her academic life makes me feel terrible as a mother. When I finish all my chores for the night, it’s time to put my kids to bed. There is a continuous cycle of mom guilt that I am experiencing. How can I fix it? Please help!
— A guilty mother
Dear guilty mother,
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your most sincere concerns. As a mother of three young children living in a joint family, her challenges are valid and deeply relatable. Balancing responsibilities while also striving to be fully present for your children is a lot to carry, and the guilt you are experiencing reflects how much you care about their well-being. These experiences are what make you human.
You’ve already identified the key area you’re struggling with: struggling to spend enough quality time with your children and being less involved in their academic lives due to the demands of running a busy household. It’s clear that the care you can provide doesn’t feel like enough to you, which can understandably be discouraging.
Let’s explore what you can do to address this challenge.
The first thing you need to understand is that you are a human being with limited energy and time. It’s impossible to do everything perfectly and that’s okay. Managing your time and energy in the way that works best for you is the key to finding balance.
Given limited time and energy, you have to ask yourself what is most important to you.
If your involvement in your children’s lives is something you truly value, you will need to align your time and energy accordingly. Here’s how you can get started:
Ask yourself:
- What specific ways can I spend quality time with my children, even in the small moments?
- Are there household responsibilities you can delegate or simplify?
- How can I create a balance that allows me to feel more involved without becoming overwhelmed?
Below are some ways you can do it:
Ask for help and delegate some tasks: Living in a joint family can be an advantage. Contact your family and let them know how this situation is affecting you and the children. Share specific ways they can support you, whether it’s taking on some household chores or helping with childcare.
Set limits: Delegate specific times when you focus on your children without interruptions in household chores.
Prioritize connection over perfection: Children value love and presence more than perfection. Even a few minutes of intentional connection can make a big difference in their emotional and academic lives.
Dedicate small, meaningful moments: A bedtime chat about their day, a quick hug, or asking them a specific question about school (“What did you learn today that made you smile?”) would allow you some time to connect with them.
Turn household chores into bonding opportunities: Involve your school-age children in small, age-appropriate household chores. It not only lightens your load but also gives you time together.
Create mini rituals with the children: Children thrive on predictability. Small, regular rituals can help you stay connected without requiring a lot of time. For example, a 10-minute “school highlights” chat at dinner, reading a bedtime story together, writing little notes for their lunchboxes to show them you care.
Reframe your guilt: Know that you are human and doing the best you can. No parent can do everything perfectly. Focus on what you are doing and what you can do and pick your battles. Reframe your guilt with gratitude, recognize that your children feel your love and effort, even if they are not always visible to you. Express and communicate how you feel about them.
Remember, feeling like you’re falling short is natural, but it’s important to be kind. Recognize and celebrate your small victories; Every smile, every hug, every task completed is evidence of your hard work and love.
What really matters is the love and care you give to your family every day. Even small adjustments to your routine can make significant changes. You are doing the best you can.
– Is
Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, neurolinguistic programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate wellness strategist, and trainer with experience in creating organizational cultures focused on wellness and mental health awareness.
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