Dear Haya,
I write to you with great anguish. My partner says he’s going to break up with me. He says he loves me but that we are not compatible and that all this is because of a fight. Now he has decided to end our relationship.
To put it in context, we’ve been together for five years and it’s beyond me how one small argument has brought him to a point where he insists on breaking up. I am extremely confused and hurt, as I try to figure out how to resolve this matter. I’m wondering if it’s actually compatibility or if there’s something deeper that I can’t understand.
This has never happened before and I’m losing my mind wondering if we will ever be the same couple again. Help me understand how to deal with this situation!
Dear anonymous,
I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. Five years is a long time to be with someone and ending the relationship so abruptly is extremely painful and distressing.
When a couple suddenly introduces the idea of a breakup after an argument, it will naturally create a lot of confusion and their mind will naturally search for deeper meanings.
Although he says it’s because of a fight, relationships usually end not because of a fight, but because that fight touches on an old wound, an unmet need, or a long-standing frustration or resentment that was never fully expressed. Often, the argument becomes the gateway to something that was already brewing beneath the surface.
This doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is over for good, it means there is more beneath the surface.
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Here’s what could be happening:
- You may feel overwhelmed, not just finished: Sometimes people bring up compatibility when what they really feel is emotional exhaustion, fear, or uncertainty. Ending things may be easier than having difficult and uncomfortable conversations.
- Your reaction may reflect your inner world, not your relationship as a whole: People with avoidant tendencies often withdraw intensely during a conflict. Ending something is safer for them. Something may have been activated in him.
- There could be unspoken resentments/unmet needs: Often in relationships, when there are sudden outbursts, they indicate unmet needs, which may not appear until a conflict forces them to the surface.
Let’s take a look at what you can do:
Give space: You may feel the urge to constantly fix things, but taking a step back and allowing a breather in a relationship helps calm the emotional intensity on both sides.
Express your feelings, clearly and calmly: Let him know how much you care about the relationship. Ask him what is bothering him and let him know that you are willing to understand and solve it. Be curious.
Reflect on the relationship beyond this moment: Have you had problems with communication before? Do you tend to shut down or avoid difficult conversations? What are the relationship patterns? Have you hinted that you feel misunderstood or disconnected? Relationship patterns give you insight into the relationship.
Reflect on the compatibility of relationships: Do you feel that the relationship is compatible? How do you feel about the relationship?
Remember that a relationship can survive a breakup: Conflicts happen all the time and can be resolved, but only if both people want the same thing. Reconciliation cannot be forced. You can invite him, but both partners must meet halfway.
Start here, but first you must protect your own emotional well-being. Our nervous system tends to go into stress mode when something we have trusted becomes uncertain. Anchor yourself and your nervous system. It’s important to slow down, so you can respond instead of reacting out of fear.
The outcome is not yet determined, but what is within your control is your clarity, your dignity, and the way you present yourself and approach the situation.
Best wishes,
– Is
Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, neurolinguistic programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate wellness strategist, and trainer with experience in creating organizational cultures focused on wellness and mental health awareness.
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